“Momnipotent”

The Not-So-Perfect Woman’s Guide to Catholic Motherhood by Danielle Bean

I started reading this book last night. I have to thank my Aunt Veronica for giving it to me when I was pregnant with the twins. I never cracked it open. During my firestorm to organize as much as possible yesterday (which, by the way, I am paying for it today), I came across this book again. Something prompted me to open it last night and start reading. Can we just acknowledge that when God’s timing is perfect, it’s so perfect?

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I’m not going to lie, my spirit has been wrecked these last few weeks. I don’t mean I’ve had doubts in my beliefs (although that’s totally fine if I have) but I mean, just life has been hard. Last week’s news ignited some serious anxiety issues that I have struggled with for a good chunk of my life. You know when you find something for YOU or plan something for YOU and look forward to that – it’s an amazing feeling. Now take it away – totally sucks. Anyway, I won’t get into it all again – you can check out my previous post if you need a refresher or didn’t catch it last week.

But I’m struggling and I’m overwhelmed. Life has overwhelmed me lately. In ONE week from tomorrow, my due date is THREE MONTHS away and I couldn’t feel more UNREADY. (Is that a word?)

Stress 1: I feel like all the junk has to go. I know it’s not COMPLETELY necessary or even reasonable but have you ever fought with a pregnant woman when she’s made her mind up about something? I don’t suggest it.

Stress 2: Once the junk goes, I’ll feel better about getting ready to bring another human into this world and maybe even start her nursery. Again, I know she won’t live in there for at least 3 months after she’s here because of the stairs we have in our house but argue with a pregnant woman? I think not.

Stress 3: I feel like I don’t have enough time with my boys. They are so fun and so exhausting but I just can’t help but be sad that my first-born children will not be JUST THEM anymore. I’m not worried about loving this girl or having enough room in my heart – I know she belongs there. My heart isn’t complete without her and the future siblings here (2 more to go!). However, it’s sort of funny because I’ve had 2 at one time so you would think adding 1 more isn’t a big deal but it’s HUGE for me. I don’t want this part to end and frankly gets me teary eyed thinking about it. We’ve been through so much together starting from before they were born so it’s a bittersweet change to our story.

Stress 4: The pregnancy itself is a stress. Again, I won’t go into it because I pretty much unloaded last week. And frankly, I’m too tired to unearth those emotions again.

So these are the 4 main stresses I have and then I started reading this book. I haven’t read a ton of it yet but something struck me last night. Spiritual motherhood is something that we, women, are all called to be.

“In makes sense…that while some women are called to biological mothers, every woman is called to spiritual motherhood because motherhood is knit into the very structure of a woman’s being. Women are created with the gift of interior readiness to receive others into their lives, and in doing so, to nurture their emotional, moral, cultural and spiritual well-being. This is an exciting and creative challenge because women can be spiritual mothers anywhere: in the office, at home, with their grandchildren, in the neighborhood, even sick in bed” (Katrina J. Zeno, Discovering the Feminine Genius: Every Women’s Journey, 41).

I found great comfort in this quote last night. I’m not sure why I did but I did.

Maybe it’s because I struggled with infertility so I recognize the want for a biological child.

Maybe it’s because I know people who have adopted or in the process of adopting a child.

Maybe it’s because I have spiritual mothers in my life that have no biological lines to me but have impacted me so much.

Maybe it’s because, as a teacher, I feel like I have been a spiritual mother to some of my students I have watched grow into amazing young men and women.

Maybe it’s because I have seen spiritual motherhood IN ACTION from a multitude of women my entire life – some with children and some without.

Spiritual motherhood. I think I found comfort in it because it’s bigger than me and what I am feeling. This whole earthly motherhood gig is T-O-U-G-H! But somehow, to know that I have something inside of me, that we all do, that feeds our children and the people we connect with around us, that’s bigger and stronger than how I feel right now covers me in comfort and the grace I desperately seek.

Honestly, right now I just feel like I am barely surviving. You know just doggie paddling in the waters of life. My kids probably watch too much TV, get away with too many things, and eat way too many chicken nuggets. I mean, they don’t mind but the inadequacy of how I feel in raising them is suffocating. But right there, in the middle of me suffocating, the Lord says “It’s okay.” The Lord has blessed me, and all women, with this spiritual motherhood because even know I’m totally judging myself (and openly sharing that judgement on my post right now), it doesn’t matter. As long as I am here, present with my boys, they get SOMETHING from me that I didn’t know really existed until last night. I don’t even know if I quite understand what I give to them. But I have been blessed with “an exciting and creative challenge” that I wouldn’t change for the world (Katrina J. Zeno, Discovering the Feminine Genius: Every Women’s Journey, 41).

Here’s to spiritual motherhood,

 

Rachel

The sacrifices we make

and sometimes it really sucks…

Well this week was my BIG check up. So many questions…. Did the hematoma start dissolving? How’s my placenta? Is the baby growing okay? Can I go on my trip to Usborne’s convention? Can I go to Gulf Shores for a week with my family? To be honest, I wasn’t completely convinced I would even get a small bit of good news. I know, I know. So pessimistic. But seriously, my last two appointments haven’t been so great.

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Here’s us leaving that regular urine sample and about to start my gestational diabetes test. Goodness I am nervous about the results! So stay tuned for that.

So let’s get to it….

The hematoma: still there. What does that mean? I’m still at risk for bleeding. So continued restrictions. Strike one.

The cord issue: well it’s permanent but the baby is growing fantastic! So currently the cord isn’t causing any issues. Ball one.

The placenta: IT MOVED! So it’s no longer considered an issue. Whoop! Ball two.

Can I travel to convention for Usborne Books & More June 7th-11th? Hesitation. Strike two.

Can I travel to Gulf Shores with my family June 17-24th? Hesitation. Strike three.

I’m out.

Although I couldn’t be happier for a healthy baby at this point, I’m pretty sad, disappointed, angry and frustrated. Let me explain why the hesitation.

I’m high risk. Well, that alone pretty much seals the deal. Once you’re labeled high risk, it’s pretty much over. Because ANYTHING can happen at ANY time. I was labeled high risk with the twins but it was ONLY because I was carrying twins. I, thankfully, didn’t have any complications with them and never carried them long enough to experience them. Can I go back in time and tell my former self to enjoy my previous pregnancy more? **regrets**

I’ve continued to have Braxton Hicks contractions. I’ve had contractions since about 16 weeks. Some stronger and longer than others. Some have put me out all day. The stress of traveling can prompt them along with dehydration. So my continued contractions could serve as an irritant to the hematoma and resume bleeding. Bleeding on a plane or somewhere not near my hospital is something that can potentially be problematic. Something that worries me.

I’m swelling. I started swelling with the twins pretty much around the same time. Seems like this time it’s a bit accelerated. Funny how the body remembers. 😫 When I was pregnant with the twins, I flew to Ohio (no hesitation from the doctor then) at 25 weeks. On the plane ride back, the pressure of being on the plane literally made my legs feel like they were going to explode. IT WAS AWFUL! Like so bad, we went from the plane to the hospital. So the doctor is worried a plane ride would enhance my issues.

Okay so drive, right? Wrong. When you are pregnant you are more at risk for clotting by sitting down for too long. So driving to Tulsa or to Gulf Shores would require a stop every 1-2 hours for bathroom and walking. In my case, I HAVE to drink a significant amount of water to keep the contractions at bay. If I don’t, I’m destined to have them. And my bladder is a trampoline to the little lady so forget holding anything. Did you know holding your urine too long while your pregnant can cause contractions? Yes and I’ve definitely found this true.

So what’s my point besides a large bitch session here on my blog? Well, I’ll be the first to admit I have control issues. Overtime I’ve learned, especially with the twins, to let things go. But I felt so out of control when I was pregnant with the twins. From being pregnant for the first time to personal issues making it challenging, I felt absolutely 100% out of control of pretty much anything. So, with this one, I thought, just maybe I would have some control. Or at least be too busy to really wallow in not having any.

I sincerely thank the Lord for being so busy with the twins but this is my time to wallow. To be sad. To be angry. Why? Well, that trip to convention was FOR ME. It’s something I have been planning on for a YEAR. It’s something I know I needed for myself and my business. It completely and utterly sucks I can’t go. I’ve spent money on travel, accommodations and registration. 😭 And that trip with the family, well, who wouldn’t want to spend a week in Gulf Shores? Maybe I would look like a beached whale but the memories I wanted to make with my kids there is something I won’t get, not right now anyway. Sucks!

I know and realize when you are pregnant you become an incubator and subject to the wants and needs to this tiny human you’re making. I get it. I don’t like it but I get it. And I’m mad.

I am mad for feeling like this again, for being terrible at giving life to another human being, for being, yet again, not blessed to be a woman who can do all things during pregnancy like workout, eat clean, play all day with their kids, etc. 

I literally give up everything I wanted this summer for you little girl. I know you will be worth it in the end. I know it’s not just a cliché but it sucks so bad right now. I’m sad right now. I’m wishing things were different right now. I wish pregnancy for me didn’t require giving up EVERYTHING to keep you safe. But it’s what I have to do.  It’s not what I want to do and quite frankly I haven’t stopped crying about it today.

But it’s the sacrifices we make as mothers even before you enter this world that help us become better mothers.image

Precious one, I don’t know who you will turn out to be but I know I’ll be better for this moment. It’s these moments God changes us for His will. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad going through it.

 

Here’s to the sacrifices we make,

Rachel

Are you a super mom?

Mom memes and more

So, it’s been another busy week…. does it ever slow down? I’m thinking not especially when you are actively adding humans to the human race. 🙂 Anyway, I was fixin’ to sit at my computer in desperate need to blog today and I thought SUPER MOMS. What are super moms anyway? Does it mean we get everything done on our to-do list? Dinner is ready? Home cooked? Everyone showered? And have a smile on our face? Is it all of the above? Is it some but not all? Seems like so much pressure. Haha. I mean I’m sure there are tons of different types of super moms but society has their own way to dictate what a super mom is so let’s explore that.

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I love this meme. The reason I love it is because I’m not sure any one of these pictures is really realistic, yet there are many moms who can see themselves in one of these 6 images. If you take out the caption, it is actually a great representation of the many looks of motherhood. It doesn’t encompass everything but it’s a good start. However, my look of motherhood, tends to stay in the bottom right corner image. CRAP everywhere! 

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And in the midst of writing this blog – this is my view. Yep. Real life people. No, I don’t clean up after my kids until the END OF THE DAY. WHY WASTE YOUR TIME PEOPLE? It’s going to get messed up after the nap so as long as I have a walkway, I’m good! (And yes, I’m catching up on Pretty Little Liars) Ha! Plus I am way too busy to pick up toys all the time. But more power to you if you like to do that.

Anyway back to the meme, well, I don’t really know what my friends think I do. But life at home, now running two direct sales businesses, being pregnant with the BEST PREGNANCY EVER (sense the sarcasm), and whatever else is going on isn’t easy. I have to fit as many things in ONE nap session and I usually don’t know how long it will last. #momlife But then, I think about my working mom friends – WHOA! I do NOT know how they do that! I tried for a short second working part time out of the house and immediately hated it. It’s just not for me and we are blessed by being able to make some ends meet while I’m home. Either choice isn’t easy. Either choice comes with sacrifices and I honestly believe comparing these choices isn’t healthy and it’s downright petty. It doesn’t matter in the real scheme of things. #momsunite

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But regardless, I think MOST of us moms definitely have starts and finishes to these days described above pretty regularly – as long as we didn’t have a bad night, that is. HA! I can’t help but laugh because my days DEFINITELY look like this. I think many of us start off as super moms but end like Cruella! LOL! If you don’t have a Cruella day, well, more power to you and I probably won’t believe you, especially if you have any age kids in the house.

I feel like I’m more like this mom meme coming up next.

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This one literally had me laughing out loud. I mean I have some friends that don’t censor their language around their kids. I don’t know how I really feel about it BUT their philosophy is that they are teaching their kids what are adult words and what words are kid words. And I have never heard a bad word come out of their mouth, ever. Honestly, can you blame the kid if he or she used it in the right context!?! I certainly wouldn’t. Haha!

Anyway, let’s talk about pregnant super moms…..

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Now I would love to say that I feel like this super mom….. ummmm I don’t. Not even close. Yes, growing a human is something I’m eternally grateful for but it doesn’t make it any less easy. I’m just not blessed to have easy pregnancies. I’m starting to accept that but you wouldn’t see me wearing anything close to this outside of my house. LOL!

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I pretty much feel like this! Seriously. I’m short and well nothing fits well – not even maternity clothes sometimes. #preggoproblems I would love to be able to take some maternity photos but the idea that I would look like this, I think not. Anyone else feel like this when they are pregnant?

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Then there are the whole pregnancy lies people share – you know the ones that we are share with each other to comfort one another. THIS ONE – I’m still waiting on the energy boost. I don’t know if it’s the whole pregnancy thing or the whole twin mom thing but TIRED is an understatement.

Regardless of the type of super mom you are or even if you don’t feel like a super mom, YOU ARE! If you manage to keep everyone, including yourself, happy, healthy and fed – I think you are doing a great job!

Now get those kids to bed, pour yourself a glass of wine (or two) and get ready for another day….

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Here’s to all the super moms,

Rachel

Juggling

Being ENOUGH is a four letter word….

Do you ever feel like you are juggling a million things at once? This was definitely my life last week. Sometimes I feel like pregnancy alone is enough to juggle but then add in the twins, the dog, my husband and anything else I happen to be doing and life can quickly seem out of control. Life can be overwhelming and instead of enjoying life we are trying to survive life. Then everything you usually do with ease and grace now seems like it’s mediocre. I feel like between everything I had going last week I barely saw the kids. I mean they were there – but SEEING them is a whole different thing. Insert mommy guilt. 

But thank goodness for Mondays! A brand new start to the week. A brand new week to make better than the last. But I’m still juggling. Aren’t we all? I’ve already started the day off getting the kids up and ready for school, visited a friend who just had a baby, popped in a frozen pizza, checked in on my book lady business, did some book lady leader duties, talked a little skin care with my mom, sister and sponsor, had a couple of phone calls and now sitting to write the blog post. Is the pizza ready yet? See all that juggling! It’s really incredible when I write it out all on the screen. Yet, somehow we, moms and caregivers of anyone, tend to not give ourselves enough credit for what we do on a daily basis. In fact, we largely feel like we didn’t do enough or worse, that we aren’t enough. 

That reminds me of this video I saw on Facebook this weekend about how we, moms, don’t feel like we are enough. I wish I had saved it to post in here. The video was moving for me because lately that’s how I have been feeling. Not enough. Are you feeling this way? That’s the Devil y’all. Telling us we can’t do something. Or we shouldn’t do something for ourselves.

I would take a guess that this is a DAILY struggle for many people – not just moms. But how debilitating. That thought of not being enough can literally freeze you in time. Isn’t that what the Devil wants from us? Not to be everything that God intended for us to be. Not reaching our full potential. Even when we are reaching our potential, sometimes we have guilt for even doing that! It’s a vicious web we weave ourselves in! 

Well, I’m here to say YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When you feed the kids chicken nuggets for the 3rd time this week instead of a home cooked meal – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When you haven’t taken a shower in 2 days and the house is a mess – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When you pour that glass of wine just a tad before 5pm because it’s just been one of those days – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When all you want to do is go to a hotel to sleep because you’re one more fight between your kids away from a mental breakdown – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When you have one of the best days with the kids and get everything on your to-do list done – YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

When you spend way too much money on something that makes you incredibly happy – YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

When you stay up late watching movies with your husband and know you’ll pay for it the next day – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

When you spend anytime making sure YOU are taken care of – YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

 

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. 

 

Here’s to being enough today and every day,

Rachel

New Online Adventures

What’s being going on in our house lately….

So, I like to keep life interesting. It may not be super interesting comparing it to others but interesting to me, nonetheless. Lately, with all the laying around I’ve had to do and dealing with Little Miss’s misbehavior, I’ve had a lot of downtime to think.

Well one thing that I want to do is DE-CLUTTER. I realize this has NOTHING to do with online adventures but roll with me. I’m not sure I’m in the super nesting mode, yet, but I have this sense of urgency to get this house organized. I mean, we are about to bring another human being in this house. Getting rid of the junk seems more than necessary! In fact, even though she will be little, babies have SO MUCH STUFF! Thank goodness it’s not as much as the twins! At least that is what I am hoping for!

De-cluttering is underway in this house – slowly! Have kids? What organizational tools have you come up with to help with the clutter? Please help this mama out! 

Meanwhile, I’ve been keeping active with my business with Usborne Books & More. I joined this company May 10th of last year and it’s been a great experience. Lots of ups and some downs but I have learned so much! I never thought I would sell anything and then these books just fell into my lap. It has truly been the perfect mix of my educational background and my love for books! It’s been truly a passion of mine this past year and I cannot believe I’ll be hitting my year anniversary next month! Incredible! If you haven’t heard of Usborne Books & More, you need to! Of course, I’d be happy to talk with you about that! In the meantime, check out the website: https://g5484.myubam.com – we have amazing books from infant to pre-teen and I am currently reading one of our teen series, Conspiracy 365 and I LOVE IT! 

In conjunction with Usborne Books & More, I started this blog earlier this month! It’s been so fun and hopefully you all have been enjoying some of the writing. My husband thinks I’ll run out of things to say but I won’t, our life is too exciting for that! 😉 The blogging world is so different but I am loving having this virtual “journal” and being able to express myself confidently! Something I think all mamas need!

In addition to my online adventures, two nights ago I joined Rodan + Fields! Say what! I know. I know. I am either crazy or the smartest person on the planet. Haha! Maybe I’m a little of both! But that’s okay, it keeps life interesting. Now, first off, I never thought I would be apart of ANY direct selling company let alone TWO. However, these two companies are VERY different. Don’t worry, I’m not going to knock down your door with RF but I may politely ask if you want a FREE sample – you should say YES because it’s amazing! You will also get to watch the skin transformations like I did and become hooked! 🙂 I am pretty excited to get these products for the best deal possible and be able to share my skin care story with everyone. Quite honestly, I have been on the hunt (for awhile) to find something that I really believe will work on my face. And the fact that I have watched a few people with varying skin tones and skin types literally roll back time and look incredible, I want in! Who wouldn’t!?! 🙂

Truly, I have been watching RF consultants and friends since last summer make monumental strides to amazing faces. Now, I am FB friends with many people in many direct selling companies and I have seen a lot. There are many wonderful companies out there! But something makes sense with Rodan + Fields. Don’t worry, one day I’ll be able to articulate it! I’ve seen many transformations and I want that too. After fertility treatments, twins and now another rough pregnancy, my face is lookin’ OLD. Plus, just kids! Am I right!? And best of all, I can do this along side my first love, Usborne Books & More. So like my twins, they have to share time but that’s okay, it’s totally going to be worth it! 

Now, some of you may have just laughed as I am not yet 30 years old but it is what it is. It’s how I feel about my face. Just 5 years ago I could walk around with no makeup pretty confidently and now, I’m constantly putting make up on my face to go outside where there are other people around. Ain’t nobody needs to be frightened like that! Ha! I hate wearing makeup – truly. Maybe it’s the sports or the constant training for sports but I’ve just never really liked wearing a ton of makeup! I’ve seen some pretty amazing makeup from other companies and if you are looking for some amazing makeup, I can definitely recommend some. And honestly, I was soooo tempted to buy them but to me, it makes more sense to work on my actual skin, my canvas, if you will, in order for my makeup to do it’s job. Or, better yet, I won’t have to wear as much or none at all! Whoop!

I am so lucky that I have such a supportive husband that has cheered me on the last year with Usborne Books & More and now will cheer me on through Rodan + Fields! Don’t worry, this book lady isn’t going anywhere! 🙂 I’m just going to look WAYYYY better doing it! 🙂 Want to check out all the hype of Rodan + Fields? Check out the website here: https://www.rodanandfields.com/US/pws/rachelwebking

The fact of the matter is that our method of buying products is truly changing to buying from direct sellers and largely online. Come on, you know you shop on Amazon! Some of you may resist and that’s totally okay! However, there are so many AMAZING companies out there that you could be missing out on so it’s worth checking out!

What direct sales companies do you love? Why do you love them?

Here’s to new adventures online,

Rachel

Boys vs. Girls

The pregnancy comparison

Well ladies and gentleman, I have made it halfway through the pregnancy with baby girl Webking and let me tell you, it hasn’t been an easy one. Now hindsight is 20/20 and God definitely has a sense of humor. But all in all, I can’t help but think about myself almost 2 years ago and I just want to shake my former self and tell her, it’s really okay! YOU WILL SURVIVE. 

So let me give you some background….. Now, if you have been following me, you know my husband and I took the road of IVF to have kids. Now because of this, when I actually did get pregnant with the twins I discovered I DID NOT LIKE BEING PREGNANT! So, you are probably thinking, “Well, how ironic is that? You put yourself through so much to get pregnant and then didn’t like it.” Trust me! I was shocked too! I had this image in my mind that pregnancy was fairy tales and roses and I would just sail through without complaints. I was so incredibly wrong and my poor husband (and the dog) paid the price.

Being pregnant for the first time and with twins was SO HARD – PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY HARD. I am 5’4” so there’s not a lot of room and I honestly had no idea how two babies would fit in there but they did. It is absolutely remarkable what your body can do! When I became pregnant I INSTANTLY had trouble with running out of breath! I made it a few weeks in and then I started throwing up. Then the heartburn showed up. Oh dear goodness, the heartburn was HORRIBLE. Then you couple that with a new mom, not knowing what was normal and what wasn’t, I basically suffered. I had some good friends that helped me try to get through the nausea but the heartburn was a different story.

To try to regulate the heartburn, I turned to TUMS. Don’t do that! You can actually make yourself sicker by taking too many tums and I found that out when I landed in the ER from uncontrollable vomiting due to HEARTBURN at 19.5 weeks. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my heartburn was SO BAD I landed in the ER. My heartburn was so bad throughout the entire pregnancy, I would wake up while throwing up. My heartburn was so bad I had to stop eating anything acidic and too seasoned. I couldn’t eat bread sometimes. Okay, so I think you get the picture IT WAS BAD. I WAS MISERABLE.

So what’s the point?

My point is that I was feeling so terrible about hating being pregnant that I felt so guilty. Are you sensing a theme of guilt? Now, when I look back on it I don’t hate it as much, well maybe that’s a lie; I probably do but I strongly believe God erases mother’s brains from all the horrible things of pregnancy because WHY ON EARTH WOULD WE KEEP DOING IT!? But it’s not something I would consider doing again – the whole twin thing. Nope. No way. And luckily I do have some control over that – whoops, maybe I should take that back – God has a sense of humor with me and Nick. I TAKE IT BACK – I HAVE NO CONTROL! 

Anyway, fast forward to this pregnancy. Baby girl Webking has not given me the pleasure of experiencing the gut wrenching sickness and heartburn and I cannot thank her enough. But she hasn’t been easy. Why should she be? She’s a GIRL. You know having ONE baby after having twins was supposed to be EASY. I mean, that’s what people said to me anyway. You know, I’m going to stop listening to people because when it comes to pregnancy – PEOPLE LIE. They don’t do it intentionally but they do – it’s like this vicious plan women put together to help the world to keep reproducing. It’s terrible.

**possible trigger coming**

At around 16 weeks, I started to bleed. I NEVER had bleeding with the twins so I was instantly alarmed. I also didn’t feel very good – I was super crampy and started sweating. Something was definitely not right. I saw an OB in my doctor’s office and she did an full exam and told me to rest over the weekend and come back for my regular checkup in the middle of next week. Well, I made it to a sandwich shop to pick up lunch for myself, my mom and my sister and it started up again but way worse (in my opinion). I was sent to the ER. Luckily my ER doctor was a girl from my high school and I was so comforted by her taking care of me despite the whole her doing an internal exam on me. Anyway. I was again sent on my way with the same instructions. I did NOTHING on Saturday. I woke up early Sunday morning soaked in blood. It looked like a CSI crime scene in our bedroom. I do not think I could have been more scared in my entire life then in that moment. Another trip to the ER resulted in not many answers. How frustrating! I was pissed and worried. Not a good combination when you are pregnant. Can I get an AMEN?!? Even though I saw my OB the next day, I really didn’t get any answers until I saw the specialist.

The specialist discovered I have a sub-chronic hemotoma (SCH) that was rather large. Because of the nature of my bleeding, my instructions were to rest as much as possible. Ummm, I have 1.5 year old twin boys. Ha! Anyway, to date, I have been able to rest as much as possible due to the help of my mom, husband, sister and really any moving body. I had my follow up scan this week and I was not surprised at the news. The hematoma was still going strong but I did learn it hasn’t really been enough time to reabsorb. Then I learned that I have a marginal cord attachment which basically means that the umbilical cord has attached itself on the side of my placenta rather than the center. This impacts the blood flow of the placenta which CAN result in a smaller baby. So, no matter what, I will be seeing the specialist throughout the rest of the pregnancy so they can monitor her growth. The third thing they are watching for is a placenta accreta. I am not going to get into the specifics of what this is because right now it’s not an official diagnosis but something we are looking for the next few visits.

So needless to say, both my pregnancies to date haven’t been easy for VERY different reasons. I don’t think I’m a fan of pregnancy but it’s a wonderful means to an end that I am grateful for because it is the most humbling experience I have ever been through. So if you are suffering during your pregnancy, do NOT feel like you are alone…. I’m right there with you!

 

Here’s to everything in between,

Rachel

 

Decisions

The road to IVF

The decisions Nick and I had to make after learning of our failed plan were not easy. You see, I was raised in the Catholic Church and very much still practiced my faith. As a Catholic, in-vitro-fertilization (also known as IVF), among other fertility treatments, are not accepted. In fact, they are considered morally wrong to engage in. I knew this, hence the reason we wanted to avoid it at all costs. And actually, at the time, I was completely against it. However, unless you’ve ever been faced with being told you have a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally and your body is essentially working against you to have a biological child, please reserve your judgment. I’m not looking for a fight or an argument about “my sin” but merely just sharing how we got to that point.

In the next weeks (we really didn’t have time to make a choice as my condition was worsening by the second), we talked to a lot of people – Catholics, Protestants, priests, and people who went through the fertility process. My wonderful husband was willing to go to the ends of the Earth to make this happen for us and what was important to him was that we “gave it our all”; essentially “tried everything we could” to have a baby. If we still ended up with no baby, then we tried. We would look into other options, like adoption, if that was the path we were meant to be on. While what he said made sense and I just wanted to fall completely into that idea and not look back, I wanted to make sure my heart was in the right place. I wanted to make sure I would have no regrets. This was also an expensive decision and I was feeling super guilty I was the one that brought us to this place. I know it was out of my control, but the guilt was real.

While everyone was super great in listening to our concerns and helping us through this decision (as best as anyone could), we were directed to this great Catholic couple and via email she helped me more than anyone. She said TWO things to me that have stuck with me through these years:

1. Her and her husband made a decision BEFORE the IVF process started that however many children they were blessed with in the process, they vowed to transfer them all in their lifetime.

2. That no matter what they did as a couple, if God’s plans were for them NOT to have children, it won’t happen. Science is great but if science REALLY could circumvent God’s will, then everyone who went through IVF or fertility, in general, would have children.

Let me talk about the impact these two points made on us. The first one was right in line with how I felt about helping create these embryos. THESE EMBRYOS were going to be OUR CHILDREN and I couldn’t bear to not try to conceive them. I won’t go into every detail of the fertility process but many embryos are put up for adoption, abandoned, or given to science for testing. Neither one of these options were the paths that Nick and I wanted to go down so vowing to have however many children God will bless us with was something we felt we could commit to BEFORE we started. Let me tell you, we could have ended up with no children or eleven children, we had no idea! And even now, there are still no guarantees. 

The second point really hit home. We had no idea what we were really getting ourselves into and my naivety about the process led me to just believe we would have children. I mean we were going through all this and paying for it, why wouldn’t we have kids? Well, it’s about a 65% chance of conceiving when you transfer one embryo which is much better than what we were looking at naturally, but still not great. With the twins, we were looking at a slightly higher percentage of having one baby and a 25% chance of having twins. The process of taking all the medications and going through the procedures essentially had to be perfect to even get to the transfer of an embryo. What I am trying to say is that throughout the entire process, ANYTHING could have gone wrong. We could have faced financial hardship and not being able to afford the treatment which is in the tens of thousands of dollars range. My body could have failed to respond to the medications. The procedure to retrieve the eggs could have been unsuccessful. The combining of the sperm and egg could have failed and then the embryos themselves could have failed to multiply and grow correctly. Every single part had to work. Science is a wonderful gift but it’s not fool-proof. 

Nick and I confidently decided to go forth with IVF. The IVF journey is a beast and not one I will tackle in this post. However, we were blessed with 5 embryos. 5 children. Our children. Our family of 7. But this family of 7 has to wait a little bit.

Many people…..most people, go through this life not knowing how many children they will have but we do. We know. At that moment, when we got the call of how many embryos survived, we knew we had 5 beautiful children awaiting their lives with us. That knowledge right there was absolutely the hardest part for me to emotionally handle. You see, I knew I had 5 children but I could only transfer 2 of them the first time around. I was lucky enough that both the embryos took. But during that pregnancy (it was tough so I had a lot of down time), all I could think of were my other babies. I had a lot of guilt for not being able to have them at that moment. I know in my mind I couldn’t but it still hurt. I am their mommy and needed to protect them and I couldn’t. Now, I am sitting here feeling my little wiggle worm rolling around in my stomach – my 3rd baby. My baby girl. I couldn’t be more excited to have her with us now. But my heart is not yet complete. It hurts a little less this time around then when I was carrying the boys but it still hurts. It’s so unexpected how the pain of infertility continues to creep into my heart and mind. I have no regrets whatsoever.

Although, I am so excited to have the life I have with the twins and soon to be with little miss, there is not a single day that goes by I don’t think about my two children waiting for us. I always say to myself when I start thinking of them: “Daddy and I will come and get you one day. We will. We promise. You won’t be alone anymore. We love you so much.” In a way, it’s comforting because I feel like they are close but in another way it breaks me. And although it’s a pain I cannot even begin to describe and tears roll down my face, I know we will bring them home one day. That day, will be the best day of our lives because our family will finally be complete. 

 

Here’s to the loves of my life in waiting,

Rachel